Thursday, January 3, 2013

Dear Neighbors

Hey Dudes,

I'm your neighbor across the street.  You know, the one with the two little girls who seems to always leave or return to our apartment while one of you is outside smoking a cigarette.  You know, the one who enthusiastically waves at you and encourages her children to do the same.  You know, the one you scowl at like I'm the crazy one for being up, dressed, and leaving the house at 9am.  Doesn't ring a bell?  I can't say I'm not surprised.

I've been trying to understand what your deal is for a while now.  While I sincerely appreciate the whole Big Lebowski Dude thing you got working for you in the fashion arena and the trippy light show that seems to come from your house whenever it is dark outside, I can only come up with a few mild ideas for what might actually be your deal.  There seem to be 2-4 different dudes that live there, though frankly you all look really similar to me when you're outside in a robe and slippers with sunglasses and long greasy stringy hair in your faces.  Seriously, be careful though.  I'm not sure it's very safe to smoke with hair actually hanging IN your face.  I digress.

It is really nice that you leave your blinds open so that we can see your 60+ inch television and exactly what you are watching on it from across the street.  I too enjoy the occasional South Park in case you were wondering.  I also love that you have been ambitious enough to actually go out and purchase potted plants that you seem to be thinking about maybe someday putting into the ground.  The empty bird feeder that looks like a gas lamp in front of your window is also a very lovely touch.

These are the scenarios I have come up with in my mind for who you actually are:

1. Serious gamer types who stay up playing MMORPGs all night long while smoking copious amounts of pot.

2. Work at home internet gurus who are living on the cheap to save up for a mansion, and serious weed connoisseurs.

3. College students who never go to class and smoke waaaay too much weed.

4. Seriously injured workers who are on disability and self-medicate with Mary Jane.

5.  Massive D-bags who refuse to wave back at my adorable children because they are too stoned for actual human contact.

This is all I could come up with.  As you can see, I'm not very creative.  Then again, I don't need to be.  I also think that you might work for our apartment complex, as the maintenance golf cart seems to be parked out front daily.

Here's the thing.  You have a fenced in back porch.  You have a balcony off of the bedroom in the back.  Why do you feel the need to smoke out front?  I do NOT understand this at all.  Is it because of the sun?  Is it because you would rather sit in a camping chair that looks out on the road instead of the beautifully maintained lawn that is directly adjacent to the back of your building?  Is it because you actually work for the CIA and are building a case against the weird recluse that lives in the apartment next to ours, so one of you must be outside doing seemingly nothing other than checking your facebook and smoking at all times?  If that is the case, please let me know, and I will insist that my children stop waving immediately.  If not, well, perhaps you could wave back or move to the back?  Pretty please?

Thank you so very much for considering this simple proposition.
Mama Melch
Your neighbor across the street


  1. Oh, no. They sound like a nightmare! And seriously, who wouldn't wave at your adorable girls? I think you probably got it right with your scenarios. Bah!

    Hang in there!

    1. We mostly just laugh about it and wave more enthusiastically. I'm very afraid that Annika will one day yell something inappropriate at them, that she will have heard from me of course. Oops.

  2. People that don't wave? I don't even get that. We bought our first house next to a smoker. We wound up becoming best friends with him and his family (we are even their youngest child's godparents), but we shunned him and his front porch smoking ways for a good 6 months first! I tease him about how we thought he was a delinquent gang banger when we first moved in. He's totally a state employee who just likes hoodies and nicotine:).

    1. Spot on: I don't even care about the smoking; it is the lack of waving at my adorable kids and stare down that really burn me. Maybe I should make them some cookies. Stoners like cookies!

  3. Me thinks Chicago beckons....

    Just saying.

    1. Oh Chicago!!! We'll see...the location issue will be revisited post-dissertation.



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